I don’t go out during the day. I walk around shaking, in a fog, angry, ruminating, exhausted; trying to figure out how I'm supposed to co-exist in a world with people that are so driven by greed that they destroyed my life in a way that I would only expect from an enemy, and didn't give it a second thought.
Complex Trauma is a different kind of beast. It’s wicked. It has stripped me of every aspect of myself. I feel completely disconnected from myself and from life in general. I’m lucky if I get 3 hours of sleep a night, and there is nothing peaceful or restorative about it.
trauma
complex
I'm not a stranger to depression or anxiety; I've learned to live with the ebbing and flowing of my mind and body that it brings. I've figured out ways to cope so I can get through the days. I'm masterful at faking a smile.
My sleep is filled with nightmares which result in me waking up drenched in a cold sweat. I’ve developed sleep paralysis. I wake-up certain that someone’s in my apartment, unable to move for about 15 seconds. It’s terrifying.
I didn't lose Meraki because it tanked or because I was shit at business; this wasn’t just a business closure. It was a psychological collapse of the one solid ground I had built for myself, and it was violent in it's consequences.
It didn’t happen in a vacuum. It was triggered by systemic betrayal. RUPCO, their insurance companies - Erie and Ryan & Ryan - Saugerties courts, even my own attorney. It replicated patterns of past abandonment, manipulation, and powerlessness.
Because of the way Meraki was taken from me and what has followed, I've been thrown back into the very same powerless, dependent, controlled dynamic that I had finally escaped.
Back into financial dependency on someone abusive, living in fear, being controlled and manipulated, having no personal safety net or support system, being gaslit, silenced, ignored, dismissed, and invalidated by people in power, and having no agency or independence.
meraki,
i told the stars about you
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