Meraki saved my life. My living situation was killing me. It wasn't just a store to me. It was my home. It was the first time that I finally had the one thing I have spent my life fighting for — independence. I did not have to deal with an abusive man disguising control as love. I went home to my apartment and it was mine. My sanctuary. Paid for by me. Everything in it was paid for by me. Everything in my store was paid for by me. It was mine, and no one could threaten me with it, use it against me, throw it in my face, or take it from me.

It is agony when you have a story to tell but you don’t because you’re worried about what people will think or say, or because you have so many stories to tell that you don’t know where to begin or which story to tell first.

If you grew up in a small town, live in a small town, or just have a special place in your heart for small towns, you will want to read about my “do good” nonprofit landlords. The reason they ignored every attempt I made at communicating with them leading up to my wrongful eviction, and for the same reason every person and entity in their pocket contributed to what #smalltownamerica fights every day.

STORY

vanessa 

i didn't have to live someone else's life 

just to have a roof over my fucking head. Gone were the days of checking myself into a hospital at the end of a relationship because I was so fucked up I couldn’t take care of myself, I couldn’t hold down a job or keep a roof over my head. I wouldn’t ever have to run away again. I could finally put down roots and build something for myself. I finally had things that I have never had in my entire life: safety and stability. Provided by me. And I have tried so hard throughout my life to have those things. I didn’t even have a chance to truly get my business off the ground. I was faced with one hardship after another, and on top of the emotional fallout of each hardship, it has cost me an ungodly amount of money. I took out loans and ran up credit card debt that I otherwise would never have had to do.

When you lose everything that you worked for that finally made you feel like you had something to be proud of, like you could finally breathe, you stopped wanting to run away, you stopped thinking all the worst things a person can think about themselves; when that's taken from you, after you have been financially wiped out again and again and again through no fault of your own, and you are then silenced, ignored, harassed, abused, unheard, misjudged, neglected…it destroys you.

I have never thought of myself as a victim or a survivor. I am a fighter.

Besides my dogs, Meraki was the thing that made me get out of bed in the morning. I had an unnecessary total hysterectomy when I was 33 so I was never able to have a family. Meraki was it for me, and I made my peace with that. This was the path I ended up on, and I did everything I could to make it one in which I felt purpose. Meraki gave me something I never had before: Freedom. Freedom to choose, freedom to do what I wanted when I wanted, freedom to allow my nervous system to finally begin to regulate, freedom to be me. 

I was just starting to really get to know myself when the rug was pulled out from under me. Again. And again. And again. After the first flood happened I stopped feeling safe. I was scrambling to do whatever I had to in order to keep my business up and running without creating a tremendous amount of debt in the process. 

I have been climbing uphill against 100 mph winds for my entire life just to try to be me.

For the first time in my life I was making decisions from a place of want, not need. I was able to support myself. I built Meraki by myself, down to the driftwood that the clothes hung on that I foraged down by the river. I was proud of myself. I stopped trying to hide who I was. I was also proud of what I had created aesthetically, and I was humbled by my loyal customers and the community I was quickly forging. The business was growing so quickly I couldn’t keep up. For the first time in my 44 years of living I did not have the urge to be somewhere else or run away. I wanted to build roots and be part of a community. 

I haven’t had a vacation in over 10 years. What happened with the store is the only thing I think about if my mind is not distracted with something else, and my anger has not lessened. My sadness is getting worse. I have no motivation. I’m unbelievably depressed. I’m severely traumatized. I've never felt more unheard in my life. 




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