Emotional abuse is incredibly difficult to explain – specifically narcissistic abuse. It’s next to impossible, and there is very little awareness about it. Narcissists are calculated, manipulative, and the malignant kind are very dangerous. I was pulled over a few nights ago and was told that my car wasn’t registered; he had put my car in his name against my wishes, but because I lost everything I had and it destroyed my credit, it was either that or lose my car. It took a month before he started to threaten me with it – the car that I purchased on my own, with a plan to pay it off in 3 years. I had made a promise to myself that I would not ever, EVER, allow myself to be in a position where I had to depend on a man; I was forced to break that promise to myself when I was robbed of my livelihood. 

He told me the registration had been renewed, but the state trooper looked more than once and said it had not been done. After being pulled over, he gave me the temporary registration that he said had arrived, and it had…out of Idaho. Point being, he didn’t bother to tell me that my car would still come up unregistered even though he knew it would. I have gotten tickets for the registration that I was unable to pay and my license is suspended because I can’t pay for it. So I either risk getting pulled over and arrested, or I’m trapped at home. 

Since I was 16 years old my car has always been where I feel safest, and driving is the only thing that I find soothing. One of the tickets I got was on the way home from picking up my car after it was repossessed, the next day I hit a deer and totaled it. That’s what my life has been like for the last two years. I have endured the worst 2 years of my life, experienced a tremendous amount of trauma, had a business that I built from nothing literally stolen from me, and I needed help. He’s all I’ve got – something he slowly and strategically made sure of. I do not feel safe at my apartment or the tiny house he “bought me” and conveniently had placed across the street from his residence. I do not feel safe anywhere except my car, which I have pretty much lived out of for the better part of 2 years. He threatens me with money so much that I never know if I’m going to have a roof over my head; last summer I drove into the city and slept in my car to acclimate myself and my dogs should the day ever come. 

As opposed to helping me get back on my feet and become independent again, he chooses to continue to give me a credit card, ensuring that there’s not enough available credit for me to do anything other than buy food and gas. He lowers the limit without telling me so that the card will get declined when I try to make a purchase, just to humiliate me.

His subjugation of my life occurs against a background of entitlement and inequality. Each “cut” serves to dramatically reduce my space for action by curtailing my freedom. I am denied agency. He gives me a credit card and then berates me for using it. I am not “allowed” to spend money on anything other than food and gas, and even then I am berated for spending too much or shopping at the wrong grocery store. I am berated for spending too much on chicken. Blueberries. Toilet paper. Water. 

He will not help me leave. He will not help me fight the battle I have been fighting alone against the organization that illegally took my business from me; I have been acting as my own attorney. He will not pay for an attorney to fight for me. He does not want to support me in any way.

It is a form of intimate terrorism and psychological warfare where I have been forced to live under a tyrant who is holding me hostage. 

Narcissism is a spectrum disorder, and the higher up on the scale, the more dangerous their behaviour becomes. Their ego-syntonic sadism makes them predators with a tendency to destroy and dehumanize others, and their lack of conscience can make them potential killers. He has sabotaged my mental and physical health. He gaslights me to the point that I have horrific panic attacks; he does this to instil in me an extreme sense of anxiety and confusion to the point where I no longer trust my own memory, perception or judgement. His goal is to use a blend of fear (ambient abuse) and domination tactics (coercive control) for gaining power and control over me, and strip me of my self-worth and agency.

We need a robust legislative foundation that acknowledges and addresses the insidious pattern of control, dominance, inequality, and psychological abuse. Recognizing this type of abuse is crucial because domestic violence is a recurring pattern of behaviors, unlike most crimes, which involve a single incident of assault, such as burglary.

Controlling and coercive behavior tactics employed by the narcissist are executed over an extended period, gradually forcing an unsuspecting person to adapt to a series of seemingly insignificant, “invisible” steps. The “continuous timer” plays a crucial role in this mind-controlling process; the tactics must be implemented in incremental steps, as rushing them would be counterproductive. These steps are strategically small, ensuring that the person remains unaware of the coercive nature of the processes being used against them, or even preventing them from fully comprehending the personality changes occurring within themselves.

Because the abuse is so insidious, most victims fail to recognize and address the covert psychological gaslighting behaviors that are causing them immense anxiety and stress. Consequently, they lack the normal defenses they would employ in challenging situations. This lack of protection significantly hinders their critical thinking abilities and free will, both of which are essential for making independent decisions. In essence, the psychological effects of gaslighting are so profound that they infringe upon the person’s fundamental human rights, confining them in a state akin to slavery, where they endure psychological torment akin to intimate terrorism, all within the confines of an invisible prison. 

How am I to explain all of this to a police officer when I need help? 

It is well documented that the reason abusers abuse is because it serves a purpose for them, and because they can. They only stop when there are real consequences – similar to bullies. And herein lies the problem. If I express to law enforcement the level of distress I’m in, the focus shifts from the abuser and the abuse, to me and whether or not I need be brought to a hospital. With emotional abuse, if I call the police because he will not stop gaslighting me and has purposefully driven me to the point of emotional instability, when the police show up that’s all they see – unless I curb my emotions completely. They don’t see bruises or blood. They see an “emotionally unstable” woman losing her mind, which is exactly why she called for help. Not because she wants to die, but because she is being psychologically tortured. The abuser is able to remain cool, calm, and collected. Not only because he lacks empathy and the way his mind works is pathological in nature, but because he enjoys watching her having a meltdown. It feeds him. Perhaps if he was put in handcuffs and stuck in a cell for a while he would think twice before going on a reign of terror. Law enforcement and judges are a crucial part of holding abusers accountable and creating necessary consequences for abuse that extends beyond the kind that is visible. 

We should be calling on all governments across the world to create laws that protect victim-survivors against emotional abuse, psychological abuse, ambient abuse and coercive control when reforming their Domestic Violence Bills. England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales and France have paved the way by introducing such legislation; they have committed to funding specialist training so that police officers can spot the signs of domestic abuse beyond physical violence more readily. Why hasn’t the United States done the same?