What is coercive control?

How does the law define it?

Depends on where you live – which is absurd. The moment a state or country put these laws into effect it should have become mandatory that the entire world do the same. The UK is on top of this shit – the USA and all 50 states need to follow suit, and they need to do it quickly. How something like this has to be debated or put a to a vote is beyond me, and it’s fucking infuriating. It doesn’t matter where the fuck you live in the world – abuse is abuse is abuse, and this kind? The kind you’re about to read about? It’s truly evil. It is my belief that the “people” who abuse others using these methods should not be allowed to roam the streets in search of their next victim. They are calculating, dangerous, reckless, and do not care how much pain or suffering they inflict on someone. Which leads to the same fucking narrative every time – the victim is left to try to pick up the pieces, put her life back together, go through years of therapy to try to undo the damage that their abuser caused, start over with nothing – no money, no place to live, no place that feels safe or offers comfort of any kind, and very often no support system.

In the meantime, the abuser gets to stay in the home, keep all the money, and go on with their lives as though nothing ever happened.

So go ahead and ask me that question – “Why doesn’t she just leave?”

Or say that thing to me – “If it was that bad she would leave.”

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An offence is committed by a suspect (“A”)

against a victim (“B”) if:

• A repeatedly or continuously engages in behaviour towards another person, B, that is controlling or coercive
• at the time of the behaviour, A and B are personally connected
• the behaviour has a serious effect on B, and
• A knows or ought to know that the behaviour will have a serious effect on B

“Repeated or continued behaviour that is controlling or coercive”

A pattern of CCB can be well established before a single incident is reported. In many cases the conduct might seem innocent – especially if considered in isolation of other incidents – and the victim may not be aware of, or be ready to acknowledge, abusive behaviour.

Behaviors OF COERCIVE CONTROL can include

• isolating a person from their friends and family
• depriving them of their basic needs
• monitoring their time
• monitoring a person via online communication tools or using spyware
• using digital systems such as smart devices or social media to coerce, control, or upset the victim including posting triggering material
• taking control over aspects of their everyday life, such as where they can go, who they can see, what to wear and when they can sleep – this can be intertwined with the suspect

• saying it is in their best interests, and ‘rewarding’ ‘good behaviour’ e.g. with gifts
• depriving them of access to support services, such as specialist support or medical services
• repeatedly putting them down such as telling them they are worthless
• enforcing rules and activity which humiliate, degrade or dehumanise the victim
• forcing the victim to take part in criminal activity such as shoplifting, neglect or abuse of children to encourage self-blame and prevent disclosure to authorities
• economic abuse including coerced debt, controlling spending/bank accounts/investments/mortgages/benefit payments
• controlling the ability to go to school or place of study

• taking wages, benefits or allowances
• threatening to hurt or kill
• threatening to harm a child
• threatening to reveal or publish private information
• threatening to hurt or physically harming a family pet
• assault
• physical intimidation e.g. blocking doors, clenching or shaking fists

• criminal damage (such as destruction of household goods)
• preventing a person from having access to transport or from working
• preventing a person from learning or using a language or making friends outside of their ethnic or cultural background
• family ‘dishonour’
• reputational damage
• sexual assault or threats of sexual assault
• reproductive coercion, including restricting a victim’s access to birth control, refusing to use a birth control method, forced pregnancy, forcing a victim to get an abortion, to undergo in vitro fertilization (IVF) or other procedure, or denying access to such a procedure

• using substances such as alcohol or drugs to control a victim through dependency, or controlling their access to substances
• disclosure of sexual orientation
• disclosure of HIV status or other medical condition without consent
• limiting access to family, friends and finances
• withholding and/or destruction of the victim’s immigration documents, e.g. passports and visas
• threatening to place the victim in an institution against the victim’s will, e.g. care home, supported living facility, mental health facility, etc (particularly for disabled or elderly victims

This is not an exhaustive list and prosecutors should be aware that a suspect will often tailor the conduct to the victim, and this conduct can vary to a high degree from one person to the next. Prosecutors should consider the conduct of the suspect in each individual case to assess whether it discloses controlling or coercive behaviour. There is plainly overlap with stalking and harassment.

There might be confusion about where the ‘appropriate’ dynamic of a relationship ends and where unlawful behaviour begins. One way of considering this is described by The College of Policing Authorised Professional Practice on Domestic Abuse which sets out that: “In many relationships, there are occasions when one person makes a decision on behalf of another, or when one partner takes control of a situation and the other has to compromise. The difference in an abusive relationship is that decisions by a dominant partner can become rules that, when broken, lead to consequences for the victim.”

Prosecutors should consider the impact on the victim of following, or not following, rules imposed upon them within the wider context of the relationship, where this type of behaviour has occurred within the relationship. It is not necessary for the prosecutor to prove that consequences follow, not least because the fear of consequences is just as powerful. This is intended as a tool by which to recognise a controlling or coercive relationship, rather than a ‘point to prove’.

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Their is a population of women who disappear through the cracks as though they don’t exist – women without children. If you don’t have children you are invisible.

I have felt like I was being punished for being responsible. For making the right decision for myself by having enough self-awareness to know that I did not want to bring a child into this world if there was any chance at all that he or she would suffer in the ways that I have – because generational trauma is very real. I chose not to be selfish and have a child just because I wanted one. I thought about what my child’s life could be like. And while there is the flip side to that – I know I would have been a wonderful Mother and done everything I could to protect my child and give my child the best life he or she could have – I also know that I was never given the tools to do those things for myself, and I have struggled with the ramifications from trauma and abuse for my entire life. I did not want that to bleed into the life of another human being who did not asked to be brought into this world. I did not want a child to ever have to endure a single second of feeling the kind of pain that I have felt.

No one ever protected me. I never felt safe. And that feeling of unsafe has stayed with me through my adult life – because I haven’t ever been safe except for one brief period in my life – when I had my store. And when that was ripped away from me illegally I was thrown into the most dangerous, traumatic, terrorized situation I’ve ever been in. Still, no one protected me. And trust…TRUST when I say I have done everything in my power to protect myself. To keep myself safe. But I’m a human being and human beings cannot survive in solitude. We need connection, community, and support. All things that I have ached for and chased after; all things that I have failed to provide for myself. How do you provide yourself with support without community or connection? If you have no support, how do you find community? Connection?

It takes energy and strength to go out and meet new people, build a new life, make new friends; I spend my days trying to survive, and it’s the only way of life I’ve ever known.