Minimization is another tactic that is hardwired into the misswired narcissistic brain as a result of how they reacted to their upbringing. They diminish everything you say to make it seem unimportant, and to make you feel unimportant. They train you not to ask them for help by doing so. And to a narcissist, if it doesn’t serve them, it's not important. Narcissists will minimize everything - from their own bad behavior to someone else's achievements, to a sick person’s symptoms, to someone else’s problems. Narcissists are intrinsically controlling - they have to control their image and how others see them, and they have to control others in order to escape from the reality of their own fragile egos. 



Let's talk about gaslighting. Gaslighting is especially crazy-making, and that's exactly what it's meant to be.  The main goal is to deny another person’s reality by making them think that they are remembering or perceiving something incorrectly. "That's not what happened" is a common narcissistic refrain. If this happens enough times, eventually the victim stops trusting themselves, and starts to rely on the narcissist in their lives as the ‘voice of reason’ or as the barometer of what is good or right. I knew of a narcissist whose gaslighting was so severe that he would tell his wife that he was drinking tea when actually he was drinking coffee, which she had watched him make. Although she knew he was lying, she found herself questioning everything she thought she knew. This keeps the victim exactly where the narcissist wants them to be - trapped in their metaphorical cage where they can be manipulated. The victim's attention and emotional reactions  are oxygen to a narcissist.



A narcissistic behavior easily recognizable to anyone who's been in a narcissistic relationship - the phenomenon of “ blameshifting”. Narcissists cannot take the blame for ANYTHING. Anything at all. If they did they would have to admit to themselves that they aren't perfect or special, a narrative that they will do anything to keep alive in their minds. Taking accountability for even the most mundane, unimportant shit, creates a chink in their deluded armour of superiority, which will cause the entire false persona that they project to the outside world to come crashing down, leaving them exposed, ashamed and vulnerable. All narcissists play the victim when they need to. Nothing can ever be their fault - it's always someone or something else’s fault, they're just the helpless victims of circumstance - even if they created the circumstance.

Narcissists act like they walk around with someone's hand up their ass 24/7 and are not in any way responsible for what they say or do. 



Narcissists do not apologise and mean it - ever. An apology will usually start with something like, "I'm sorry you...", and will only come if it benefits them in some way - apologies are transactional, like everything else is to a narcissist. Narcissists can't be seen as the bad guy, and they can't bear shame. The feeling of shame that a healthy person would work through no matter how unpleasant it is, is simply not something a narcissist can allow themselves to feel. To them, shame feels like an existential crisis and they will do anything not to feel it, usually by deflecting it onto someone else.



Here, we've gathered a healthy mix of projection and blameshifting. Transferral of your feelings onto another person so that you don't have to feel them yourself is called ‘projection’, and narcissists are masters of it. If a narcissist incorrectly accuses you of feeling something or doing something, or being a certain way, it is likely that they are projecting. Every accusation from a narcissist is a confession. They will find a way to shift blame onto another person so they don't have to bear the shame or embarrassment, keeping their false external image of being good intact.  The narcissist often uses completely illogical arguments, talking in circles until you're exhausted and feel like you've been put through a washing machine on the spin cycle. 




The incidence of narcissism is said to be on the increase, and cultural narcissism is embedded in society. Those with a high prevalence of narcissistic traits flourish in today's climate, where prosperity, success, grandiosity and entitlement are largely seen as positive attributes. Consider the world of politics, which is rife with narcissism, and consider the far reaching implications of this. Sadly the profound negative effects on society and those at at an individual level can be stigmatised and are often swept under the carpet.

Figures vary, with some studies indicating that up to 6% of the population qualify for the diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). The chances are that even if you do not directly know a narcissist, you know someone who does, and who, most likely, has suffered to some degree at a narcissist's hands.

NPD is known to occur as a result of environmental factors. In other words, narcissists breed narcissists due to the way they bring up their children, and the abused become the abusers. There are also genetic factors.

I believe it falls upon all of us to break these generational chains by raising awareness of narcissistic abuse, and de-stigmatizing the experiences of those who have been affected by it. The unique challenges of healing faced by those who have been through the trauma of narcissistic abuse needs to be understood by as many people as possible, as does the fact that mere time, on its own, does not heal these wounds.

"And if it did, it's not that bad"

"That didn't happen"

"And if it was, it's not a big deal"

"And if it is, it's not my fault."

"And if it was, I didn't mean it."

"And if I did, you deserved it."

The Narcissist's Prayer

Here we have denial, part 01 of the narcissist's prayer, mixed in with history rewriting - both classic narcissistic behaviours. If you’ve been in a narcissistic relationship you will recognise this instantly. Narcissists need to feel good about themselves. This is an essential part of the personality disorder. They have a desperate need to feel special or perfect, in order to distract themselves from their core wound - which is an underlying feeling of worthlessness. They can’t accept the blame for bad behaviour, as it would challenge this image that they need to project to the world, so they simply deny it.

explained